October 12, 2011 by thisisemilypaul
Yeah so mustaches have been pretty funny and cool. Your friend grew one just to be ironic. You got a curly cue mustache tattoo on your finger so you can hold it up under your nose. Your girlfriend has a mustache necklace. Your parents put mustache motif curtains in the den. THAT IS ENOUGH! This trend has officially passed feather earrings as the most annoying fad in the world.
The ironic mustache has passed ironic and now has returned to what it has always been…bad. Hipsters across the country please shave that artful mustache you so adore because the rest of us are sick of looking at twenty somethings sporting lumberjack staches.
Ladies, any mustache thing you may own because you think it’s sassy to be tomboyish you must burn. Those necklaces and stick on mustaches make you ugly. Boys like us BECAUSE we don’t have facial hair. That sexy railroad conductor costume you had in mind for halloween is a terrible idea and you will get laughed at and possibly beat up (WARNING: any female I see this Halloween wearing a mustache will get a punch in the face from my Billy Idol brass knuckle wristlet gloves).
From now on, any ironic facial hair items be they be fake or real will be deemed uncool and the wearer will be shunned from the rest of society. Who’s with me?!
Some exceptions: the 5 o’clock shadow, manly scruff, and a full beard on any man above the age of 38.
I’m not even going to post the links where you can buy some of this shit because you really shouldn’t be buying it but throwing up with disgust after looking at these photos.
God this last one is so terrible I’m lost for words.